Officials with Anti-Vax Platform Approve New COVID Vaccine

U.S.—Moderna received approval for its latest COVID vaccine over the weekend from two prominent vaccine skeptics leading America’s health agencies.

After campaigning about the harmful side effects that may be associated with vaccines, Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says, “We’re giving the green light on this one. We’ll hope for the best.”

When confronted with the fact that nearly every person on the planet has had COVID and carries immunity, Donna Wilks, HHS spokesperson, enlightened the press stating, “There’s still one person out there that hasn’t had COVID, and her name is Mindy. So this one’s for you, Mindy!”

Kennedy was pressed on how this decision is consistent with his message toward vaccines over the last several decades. Kennedy responded with a story: “When I was a young boy, my father and uncle...” After this opening line, the audience tuned out.

This move now makes Kennedy’s approval rating -11%. Democratic leaning voters already disliked him due to his vaccine skepticism and now republican leaning voters have turned on him for being pro-vaccine. Meanwhile, independents now reject him for becoming a politician. “After taking my ‘Politics 101’ training, I saw just how easy it was to be both pro- and anti-vaccine all at the same time,” Kennedy said.

As of publishing time, the telephones at HHS have been disconnected to avoid interacting with angry callers.